Amazing. Awful. Beautiful.
Life is amazing. And then its awful. And then its amazing again. And then in between the amazing and the awful its ordinary and mundane and routine. Breathe in the amazing, hold on through the awful, and relax and exhale though the ordinary. That’s just living heartbreaking, soul-healing, amazing, awful, ordinary life. And its breathtakingly beautiful. - L.R Knost
Several years ago I came across this verse and its resonated with me ever since. Because it rang true. It aligned with my lived experience, not the fairy tale we all think we’re going to get. But this start to 2022, the month of January alone, has typified those words.
A few days into the new year my older son Francisco was unexpectedly hospitalized for 5 days with a newly diagnosed autoimmune disorder. He has multiple disabilities since birth so we are not new to doctors, medical interventions, or hospital stays. This stay should’ve been old hat. My ex-husband Omar and I ascertained what needed to be done to support our son and got to work as the most effective tag team. Just like we’ve done so many times before. Except this time, early on, my emotions took me by surprise.
I was afraid and though I worked hard to quell it, after a day and a half I broke and succumbed to a good cry. After 36 hours of consciously holding it at bay, it was cathartic to express my fears. Omar affirmed my feelings but reminded me to look at the reality of the situation and what had to be done. In the kindest way possible it was the verbal slap across the face I needed. I recognized my son is resilient and receiving expert care. I always know in my bones, and believe, he will be okay. I tell myself these things and I know them to be true based on Francisco’s history. Occasionally, it may seem like the odds are against him, but I would never bet against Francisco James Ramos. My head was on straight once again and I could tend to all the tasks at hand.
And thankfully, Francisco was released by day 5. It was then, as he was getting discharged, I realized I had a sore throat. I kept hydrated but I had other things that needed my attention, most importantly, my son. We were busy scheduling follow up appointments as an outpatient and planning for his care at home. OK, its now progressed to a cold. No, it’s starting to feel more like bronchitis. Oh damnit, I just tested positive for COVID-19. Must’ve been a souvenir from that hospital stay. Both my sons were whisked away to stay at their father’s house. I was sequestered at home alone save for my trusty companion, my dog Fuego. Let me tell you, all of this is, it’s no way to start the new year.
Fortunately I felt better within a matter of days and my boys remained unaffected and healthy and returned home after my quarantine. The town rejoiced! Life then resumed at its typical rapid fire pace with work, school, appointments, yada, yada, yada, yada. My younger son, 16 year old Mateo, took his driver’s license test last week and passed. As promised, my old car is now his new car. And this weekend, as I left for work on my own, Mateo drove his brother and dropped him off at their dad’s house on his way to work. A few weeks ago Mateo started his first job, refereeing for a youth flag football league. After reffing three games he drove himself to basketball tryouts. And the next night he drove himself and his brother back home. Milestones. These are milestones!
So much has transpired in the last four weeks, just one month into this new year. I swear I have PTSD in regards to my son’s hospitalizations and it was triggered with this most recent stay. I thought for sure we were about to be sucked into the vortex of long hospital stays again. Luckily, he was only admitted for five days and has been recovering beautifully ever since. My younger son has gained his independence and demonstrated how responsible he can be. I’m so relieved, grateful, and appreciative for this fortuitous turn of events. January’s closing in no way resembles the way the month came in for us.
Welcome 2022. You’ve reminded me that “life is amazing … and then its awful … and then its amazing again …”