The Backslide

I was leaning against the back bumper of my car when I first noticed them. It was a day like any other steamy summer day, except it wasn’t. The boys and I arrived home from our road trip to South Padre. Once we dropped our bags inside I feverishly got to work watering our potted flowers and hanging plants out in the yard. They’d been soaking up nothing but the sun for 3 days and I knew they were thirsty. As I finished, I took some repose and rested against my car for a few solitary moments to take in the suburban vista from the center of my cul-de-sac.

I turned my gaze upwards to the azure of the cloudless sky. And that’s when I noticed them. Airplanes. Every few minutes, like clockwork, plane after plane after plane, on two flight paths upon their descent over my house. And then it struck me. How had I not noticed this before? Airplanes were flying directly over my house with great regularity. They had to be coming every two to three minutes. I’d lived here for 13 years at the time and didn’t notice jets traversing over my home toward the airport on the other side of town. I hadn’t ever taken the time to sit outside long enough, to stop, look up, and identify the pattern and its regularity. We are speaking about a length of time no greater than a 3 minute clip.

If this observation didn’t hit me over the head with the fact that I was consumed by all the things around me, nothing could. Work, my children, family, friends, I was great at giving my attention to all the things around me. Paying attention to myself, and to what was right in front of me, was not my forte. Recognizing your problem is the first step in getting help I suppose. And with that, I embarked on a journey of self care three years ago. I took many small steps over time to move forward and it taught me to pay attention to my heart, mind, body, and spirit.

And I did much better for about a 3 year stretch. I’m not going to lie, turning 50 and the pause of the pandemic helped greatly. We all had more time at home and that brought more time for introspection. I walked with my dog daily. I voraciously read books. I revisited laying in the sun, a pastime I hadn’t enjoyed since my youth over three decades ago. And I made time to purposely plan and cook healthy meals for my family. Not just the requisite “just get dinner on the table” as I’d often settle for in the past. But, I planned, and cooked, nutritiously dense and healthy breakfasts, lunches, and dinners. You know, 3 square meals a day.

When we headed back into the workspace a year ago last spring I knew, just knew in my bones, that I would hold onto these good habits. Then we transitioned from 2 to 5 days a week in the office last summer. We geared up for in person classes along with live musicals later in the fall. I found time to periodically celebrate with friends as we ventured out into the world again. But in terms of my commitment to myself, I now see that over the past year that slowly eroded as those myriad responsibilities became greater than me.

I backslid. Not in all areas of my life but enough that now, with the hindsight of a year, I can see what’s happened. And that’s the thing with erosion, it’s a gradual destruction over a period of time. You do not notice it because it happens so incrementally. At first, you don’t notice at all. You think, okay, I couldn’t get to that this week, but I will next week. That thinking had me going from regular walks with the dog 5 days a week to squeezing it in when I could to once a week to not happening at all. That’s how something goes from routine to a semiregular practice to nonexistent over time. Slowly.

So how did this backslide come to my attention? It came in the form of my doctor a few months ago at my annual physical. She reviewed my preliminary findings and said, “I see you’ve gained 7 pounds”. I was like, wait, what? My response was full of “I’ve gottas” - I’ve gotta lot to do, I’ve gotta do this, I’ve gotta do that, I’ve gotta lot of work, I’ve gotta lot I’m juggling right now … you know how it goes. I’ve got all these responsibilities that need my attention and they’re all more important than me. That simple seven pound weight gain was the wake-up call I didn’t want but so obviously needed.

I have held onto cooking more healthily for my family and seeking out time to spend with my friends over the past year, but most everything else fell to the wayside. The last couple of months I’ve been clawing my way back to putting myself back to the center of my life again. How am I doing that? I’m taking time to visit the beach weekly. It is truly my happy place and it renews my spirit. As far as I am concerned there is no such thing as visiting the beach enough. Picking up a book each week to read. It gets me out of the minutia of the day to day and helps me float above that daily grind to think loftier thoughts. I love to always be involved in some sort of recreational reading.

It hasn’t yet translated to more walks with my dog but that’s slated up next. I know I’ve got to be more mindful about including more daily habits that solely focus on me. The work and responsibilities will always be there. Me? I’m not immortal. I’ve got to take the best care of myself so I’m better equipped to handle all those things around me. I now see with greater clarity how this backslide happened and am taking the time to course correct, turn my circumstances around, and actualize that one healthier habit at a time. I’ve learned that sometimes, in life, you’ve got to remind yourself to be your own hype girl.