Grievances & Gratitutde
Anyone else down for a collective primordial scream? You know, a la expressionist painter Edvard Munch’s work The Scream? I’m typically an optimist, but as I re-calibrate for the umpteenth time of this pandemic I’m just feeling every ounce of frustration. I know I’m not at all alone in this feeling and my bitching about it is equivalent to “first world problems”. At the same time I am aware of my good fortunes. I’m still working from home and am still employed. My family and friends are all healthy.
I totally recognize a myriad of circumstances are far, far worse than having to stick close to home for months on end. Having said that, I think part of my staying upright on my surfboard of positivity requires that I occasionally and cautiously traverse these swells and dive into my emotions to actually feel them. I know, right, what a crazy thought? After all, throughout this pandemic I’ve been proud of how I’ve managed to pull myself out of anxiety whenever any hint of it arrives in my head.
However, right now I’m aggravated and I’m allowing myself to experience it in its totality. Before I move back into my normative state of gratitude I want to acknowledge some of the special events I’ve missed out on over the past few months. I’m hoping this will help exorcise this feeling of frustration from my body. So, at the risk of sounding like an incredibly superficial and spoiled human being, to the tune of a thousand tiny violins I might add, I’ll jump right to my list. You are free to pass judgment on me to decide for yourself -
SPRING RECITAL 2020– the end of semester show was titled Turn of the Century. Our students, over 50 of them with disabilities, were working on performance numbers from the musicals Bugsy Malone, Anything Goes, Newsies, and Ain’t Misbehavin’. Two weeks before the show we had to halt the semester due to COVID-19 and the show never took place. This is the antithesis of the show must go on. It still feels incomplete and unnatural. Unfinished.
TUTS GALA – featuring Audra McDonald @ the uber luxurious Post Oak Hotel was also cancelled due to COVID-19. I purchased a green sequined gown as a backup dress just in case I couldn’t get into the dreamy, off the shoulder, red gown I bought for the gala. I worked hard to fit myself into that beautiful red dress and I did it! Both gowns now languish, side by side, on hangers in my closet. Figuratively and quite literally, all dressed up with nowhere to go.
INCLUSIVE ARTS SHOWCASE – this would’ve been the 5th annual production featuring small and large group ensemble performances from The River and Humphreys School student performers @ TUTS. Under the guidance of Education’s creative team it’s a student led and student driven production. Each year it’s a genuine collaborative experience because youth and adults alike are committed to collectively brainstorming, spit balling ideas, getting messy, and creating together. It is, without a doubt, one of the most uplifting performances you will ever see. Talk about ‘better together’? Inclusive Arts Showcase was all that long before that word coupling was trending.
A SENDOFF FOR KATHY – our Musical Director Kathy Clarke planned to move back to her home state of Kansas after the Inclusive Arts Showcase. She has been integral in helping our student performers improve their vocal prowess and progress to that next level of performance ability. Kathy did indeed move this spring. We never got to hug her, say goodbye, and give her a proper sendoff. I feel that she, and we, were all shortchanged because we could not share our appreciation and appropriately celebrate her.
FRANCISCO’S GRADUATION – this was Cisco’s senior year of high school. We opted to not have him participate in the outdoor graduation in early June because it would put him at too much risk. Fortunately, my grief for missing this experience was short-lived. The upside, and it’s a tremendous upside, is that since Cisco’s a special education student he’ll be in high school to focus on vocational skills till 2023. His graduation can be postponed till then. So both my sons, Francisco and Mateo, will walk across the stage and graduate together. Setting up for me, as a mother, the sweetest win/win experience ever. So I guess this instance isn’t much of a lament, but more of a happy accident. Yay!
MILLER OUTDOOR THEATRE – Each summer we venture to Miller Outdoor Theatre to see the Humphreys School’s production in June and TUTS free shows for the city in July. Whether sitting in a seat under the roof of the amphitheater or in a blanket up on the hill we always have good company and the most enjoyable time. There will be no shows @ Miller this summer. I look forward to the day we can do this again.
SEEING TREY IN HAMILTON AGAIN – we had plans to see Trey perform in Hamilton sometime late this summer, this time in Los Angeles. It would be another exciting little getaway. That’s now obviously on hold. When the show returns and it’s safe to do so we will travel to see Trey perform in Hamilton. Words cannot aptly describe the pure delight and joy we experienced when we saw him play the legendary Alexander Hamilton in San Francisco this past winter.
As I’m reviewing what I’ve written thus far I see a lot of what I’ve missed out on is seemingly work-related. And it is, but it also isn’t. Over the years a lot of my social life is spent with other team members - staff, faculty, and even families. I have supportive friendships with some of the best people I’ve ever met. We share in the milestones of our children. We commiserate via group texts. We frequently do dinner and a show together. We briefly celebrate post production before we are flying like a bat out of hell onto the next project and adventure.
My identity as a creative person is inextricably intertwined with my work. It’s one of the most enjoyable artistic outlets I’ve ever been fortunate to be involved with. My favorite part is absolutely collaborating with others on joint creative projects. And are we still doing that? Kind of, sort of, in the virtual space. I’d be lying if I didn’t admit I miss the in person interaction, the lively conversations, the cooperative problem-solving … just all of the comradery of working toward a common goal with people of all ages in the flesh.
Well, my list of grievances was a useful exercise as it’s helped crystallize what I’ve missed the most. Somewhat surprisingly, it isn’t drinking copious amounts of wine outside my home. Although that obviously sounds delightful. Turns out I simply miss my friends and creating together. Looks like I’ll skip that scream because I am now awash in feeling abundantly grateful.