Practicing Intention
A couple of decades ago Oprah coined the phrase disease to please on her daily talk show and it always stuck with me. It’s the tendency of people, mostly women, to put the wants and needs of others ahead of their own. Individuals ascribing to this practice typically put themselves last, everything else comes before them. Can I raise my hand here? I was one of those women my whole entire life. Social conditioning is no joke.
No surprise then as a result I found it difficult to prioritize myself in my own life. Everyone else came before me. Most importantly it meant my children, they were always first. I mean, that’s a no-brainer for a mother so I absolve myself of this completely. But everything else was prioritized on my to do list but me. It’s been so pervasive, it’s colored my whole existence. It’s only in the last few years, that I recognize the flaws in this premise and decided to flip the script.
I used to feel guilty if I did things for myself. Don’t get me wrong I think its admirable to want to please others in your life. Its when it consistently comes at the expense of yourself that its problematic. Similar to the creed of a twelve step program, the first way to rectify it lies in admitting you have a problem. Part of my identity is being of service to others so it was difficult to recognize it could also be a disservice to myself. Acknowledging it was a problem meant I could begin reforming myself.
But where to begin was the question. When in doubt start small. That recovery has come over time in the myriad choices that I make on a daily basis. What foods will nourish my body? What clothing suits me and my spirit? How do they help me feel when I’m in them? Oooh, what jewelry and heels do I want to pair with this dress? What mood am I trying to create? When there’s downtime outside of my family and work obligations how will I spend it? Will I rest, restore my spirit, take on a new challenge? I can go on and on. Taking the time to ask and answer questions was an easy place to start for me.
I know, these are decisions men and women make all the time. Seemingly, its not a big deal. What was different for me was my approach. I became intentional about all of it. I disengaged the autopilot mechanism in my brain. I understood I am responsible for creating my life and it starts with me making and taking time for myself. Practicing intention has blossomed into a healthy habit.
People pleasing is akin to perfectionism where you have an unrealistic standard set for yourself. I know I have high expectations and am hard on myself when I don’t meet them. But, this process has actually led me to be kinder to myself. When I fall back into that natural tendency to beat myself up I think, is that what you’d say to a friend? And nine times of out of ten it isn’t. It reminds me to be easier on myself and treat myself like I would a friend. I’ve learned to have compassion for myself.
While many of the choices I’ve made have been incremental, the results are cumulative. One of the outcomes is I’m more productive. I am healthier and happier all around. It feels good to be in my skin as imperfect as I am. I suppose I could lament about the time lost since I should’ve enacted this eons ago. But I’m not, I’m grateful. Better late than never. I’m channeling the wisdom of Glinda the Good Witch from The Wizard of the Oz - you always had the power, my dear, you just had to learn it for yourself.