re·new
This in-between time, the week after Christmas as the new year approaches, was a little melancholic for me. The last several years I’ve tended to use this downtime to audit my life. Oh, what could possibly go wrong, you ask? Sarcasm aside, I conscientiously check-in with myself at the end of each year. It goes something like this - Here’s a few achievements … and oh … look at all these places you’ve missed the mark. There’s quite a few. How’d that work for you, Eileen? It’s not a formal operation, as in a list, committed to a computer, or anything remotely resembling what proper documentation should look like. It’s all in my head, an organic way to take stock of my life. More specifically, this relevant slice of time.
Throughout the month of December, I mull over a multitude of variables as I traverse the holidays. It’s kind of like background music playing while I carry on the details of daily living. I’m looking at the past year and my role in it. It’s an abstract construct, but I liken it to holding a 3-dimensional geometric form in your hands, turning it over this way and that way, examining it, and viewing it from all angles and sides. That’s the way my brain typically functions when I psychoanalyze myself. Naturally, there’s no training required. Of course, there isn’t.
And this year, that annual check in with myself, has been a bit more of a struggle than in previous years. I’ve been especially critical of myself, which is pretty much the way I’ve lived a whole lot of my life. Mentally beating myself up for all those would’ves, could’ves, and should’ves. I am expert level at this. Part of it is my hardwiring, I expect so much from myself. And the other part of that operating system is conditioning, to see myself from the viewpoint of others, how they may perceive me. Was I “good” enough this year? Did I live up to those expectations of who they think I am, how I should be in my life, in the world … it goes on and on. By the way, nothing good comes from these circumstances. I’ve learned other people’s perceptions of me are, more often than not, just that … theirs.
I’ve got to say, until this very morning, my inherent modus operandi was fully in charge of this expedition. What do you really have to show for this past year, Eileen? There were plans made and goals set. However, life, more often than not, got in the way of fully delivering those anticipated outcomes.
Workplace transitions - Check
Health concerns for yourself and/or loved ones - Check and Check
Unresolved matters of the heart - Check
Loss of a loved one - Check
Turbulent times across the globe - Check (once again of course, we can check that box)
I’ve continued my journey, my personal growth, at a slower pace than expected. But that’s why process, that whole line of thinking things through and feeling the feels, is so critical. You hear it in these platitudes - the mess is in the middle, the only way out is through, adversity can fuel your progress, and on and on. But I gotta tell you something, taking the time to process, even when its emotionally difficult, maybe distinctly then, it matters. That’s how you get to the other side. Let me clarify, it’s the only way I know to get to the other side. Avoiding it serves no one, particularly you. And in this precise instance, I mean me.
And process, thank you, sweet process! This morning I awoke and remembered to be my own friend. I think without that push-pull of the struggle I wouldn’t have gotten here. Now look at your last year again, Eileen, as a friend of yours would, without that innately critical and unforgiving eye. How does it look now? Has the perspective shifted that view? It now looked like me unceremoniously handling a lot of challenges, one after the other, all while leading my day-to-day life chockfull of responsibilities. Like a boxer, I took body blow after body blow but managed to stay upright and in the ring. And this past week, looking at all of it, I felt it’s cumulative effect and it weighed on me.
But now, instead of disappointment, I was encouraged by the way I dealt with each obstacle and moved on to each next hurdle thrown my way. I kept my head down and focused on tasks at hand. No doubt making sure to fill my cup with fun along the way helped compensate for the deficits. I showed up for all the momentous occasions and gave them everything I had. There were quick getaways and trips abroad throughout the year. I never regret taking the time to celebrate. So, it seems I didn’t miss the forest for the trees as originally thought. I utilized my tools, in the best way I knew how, to navigate this past year.
The polarity of being me is that, when I’m not giving myself a critical onceover, I’m naturally hopeful. Decidedly positive, I can see the best in almost everything around me. It’s just I occasionally forget to apply that optimism to myself. I do, however, see that my romanticism of life, like so many things, can be an equivalent gift and hindrance. I learned that eons ago. If I had a dime for every time I referenced “it’s a blessing and a curse” about myself … well, I’d have a whole hell of a lot of dimes.
With clearer eyes I have used this time to reframe my outlook and make more realistic assessments of, and for, myself. It took a while to gain that clarity this go around but the end result is its renewed my prism. To renew means to resume after an interruption. This hiatus I took the time to sit with those feelings and it helped yield promising fruit. I’m grateful it led me to find, and give, grace to myself #reflecttorenew