Hindsight is 2020

I’m sure we’re all familiar with the expression hind sight is 20 20, that newfound understanding you gather when an experience has ended. You take stock of the event and determine, all things considered, knowing what you know now, here’s how you’d do that the next time. With the year we’ve all experienced I’m sure there is no shortage of this phrase’s use now. As 2020 finally comes to a close this expression prompts me to ascertain what sense I can make of this year for myself personally.

In almost 30 years working in youth development and the arts arenas there is no shortage of workshops I’ve attended aimed at revolutionizing the way we work, create curriculum, engage students, or whatever, as long as we approached it like “this” - whatever the facilitators specialized in and were peddling as the crux of their exposition. If applied according to their specifications it should result in some sort of cosmic paradigm shift and workshop afterglow would commence.

One of the tried and true methods of determining whether a workshop hits its mark or not is a reflection activity at the end of the workshop.  It’s often as simple as taking a few minutes to complete a short survey to provide feedback. In theater it’s often some sort of sharing within the group. In one of these exercises members of the group share what they are taking away and what they are leaving behind after the workshop. I’m employing this reflective device and applying it to my personal experience of 2020.

WHAT I’M LEAVING BEHIND

I’m starting with what I’m leaving behind since I’d like to end this piece with hope toward brighter days. For sure the first thing I want to leave behind is the intermittent anxiety I’ve experienced over the past 9 months. It’s not at all been constant, thus my use of the adjective intermittent. Worries related to the microcosm of keeping loved ones safe, to the communal aspects of how will the arts survive, and the societal implications of hunger and unemployment, have volleyed throughout my head. Sometimes I felt like I might actually have a handle on it. Other times it would catch me by surprise as it attempted to pull me under.

I came to recognize its signs and have been able to pull myself out using coping mechanisms and tactics on the fly. I learned that one of the best strategies is talking about my strife with friends. They offer a friendly ear, compassion, and possible solutions in ordinary times. In this particular year their support has been integral to my well-being.

I’m also leaving behind the feeling that I need to play it small and safe. In all honesty this issue probably pre-dates the pandemic for me, but the pandemic brought my awareness to it. How would we now approach our work, arts engagement for students with disabilities, a population that is inherently vulnerable? We mulled this question over for about a month looking at it every which way and turning it over again and again. To take those next steps, to commit to moving our program to a virtual space, while it may seem obvious now, was arduous and taxing at best. That initial step outside of the comfort zone of tried and true, it’s a bitch. I’m so happy and pleased we were successful and pulled it off in the summer. And in the fall. And no doubt will again this spring.  All the more cementing my confidence in taking calculated risk. Sayonara to playing it small and safe.

And this last issue I’m leaving behind is much larger than me and I’m sure affects us all – politicization and polarization. Just about everything has become politicized. I recognize I may be more passionate than others. My innate capacities aside, I grapple with how we vilify one another. It’s like there’s no measure of civility extended to one another at all. And with no extension of understanding, of empathy for one another, polarization ensues. Its head scratching to me and most certainly doesn’t emanate from a loving place. I’d like to extricate myself from it. I will continue to advocate for what I believe in and who I love. Undoubtedly, the constant barrage of noise will continue swirling around us all. I’m dropping it all like a bad habit

WHAT I’M TAKING WITH ME

Now onto the unexpected gifts 2020 brought me. Like many people spending more time at home this year had me reaching for books. Not since my twenties have I been such a voracious reader. Picking up a book and having it resonate is such a rewarding experience. Fiction, non-fiction, it doesn’t matter. If the topic tugs at my spirit or soul in some way, I surrender and I am in. In the last couple of days I finished reading two books that share a hippie bent. The first is “Bohemian Modern”, a look at creative and free-spirited homes. The second is Lenny Kravitz’s autobiography “Let Love Rule”; he takes a look at the first twenty-five years of his life. I’m now turning my attention to the eclectic stack of books, and one on my kindle, awaiting to enlighten me about color, dreaming big, female artists, Steve Jobs, Jerry Seinfeld, New York at the turn of the 1900s, troubling love, and abandonment. I look forward to discovering all their worlds.

And I’m moving forward in 2021 with a continued commitment to my wellness. What began as a morning walk practice led to a more nutritious and plant forward diet to finding habits of happiness to regularly employ. The impetus though, started with first accepting myself for who and how I am. Not physically where I wanted to be, but loving myself where I was. And I believe that spark made all the difference. Proving Psychologist Carl Rogers’ research true - “the curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.” Most definitely an unforeseen blessing.

Finally I am taking a lighter spirit into the next year. I am serious about focusing on myself, but don’t take myself too seriously, if that at all makes sense. Routinely seeking the outdoors, listening to music, writing when I am moved, and engaging with others, even virtually or rather, especially virtually, have offered bright spots amidst the travails of this time.

2020 may not offer near perfect vision, but it has offered lessons if we are willing to momentarily drop the finger pointing and look into ourselves. What are you leaving behind and what are you taking with you from this year? If nothing else life has taught me to pivot adroitly; I know that I am capable and nimble. I will take all these lessons with me wherever I go. I have learned to lean into myself and I have no intention of looking back. Onward and upward.